past ... present ... future

I constantly have this dilemma of living in the present moment and enjoying it for everything it is worth. Like last weekend my middle son wanted to throw Frisbee with me. We have a cheap $1 one from the local store which broke when he banged his knee with it on Friday. I bought the real version which we threw around most of Saturday and Sunday. He is such a natural with it and just enjoys be outside, which is not his normal behavior. I had to soak up each moment as you just never know with teenagers when it will happen again.

Then there is the past which just went by me. This blog is record of my past. Some days I think about things to write in my blog. Other days events just occur that I have to write about. When I think of the past, I want to learn from history or other people's mistakes. That is one of the reasons I like to write a blog so I don't forget lessons I have learned as I live them. I want my teenagers to learn from each other. When I got back from the county courthouse with my oldest son, I just had to yell out loud when I got in the house that no one should ever "drink and drive".

Then there is the future. I sure hope all of kids don't repeat the same mistakes their siblings made or else I will not make it. I feel old every time a major drama occurs in our family that I have to deal with these days. It seemed easier to take when I was younger. Now every time I feel older. I sure can hope for a bright future where the same mistakes are not repeated in our family. Maybe that is another reason I have read the books on drug and alcohol addictions. I have lived it once and I don't want to live it again, so I want to be better informed of the root problem. A quick fix does not work. If you ignore a problem it does not go away.

Beautiful Boy vs. Tweak

Last month I reviewed Beautiful Boy by David Sheff and this week I finished his son's book Tweak: Growing up on Methamphetamines by Nic Sheff. I must say that drug or alcohol addiction when in the family is not fun. I only read these books because we have lived it, maybe not to the extreme mentioned in these books, but that does not make it in any way less painful. For me, they are both hard to deal with as they transform a person from who they really are to someone else, who I don't want to see or get to know. I think it is interesting to read how the father became addicted to his son's addiction to the cost of neglecting his wife and other children. I have been there and no that feeling. I also like this pair of books as it also shows the son's side where he talks a little about his family, but he is so self consumed that while on drugs that totally consumes him as he must get high again and again. For me, it is very difficult to know what is true or not in such a book as how can someone know what happened when they are stoned out of their mind and without normal senses? Reading this book just gives you an idea of how someone who is an addict thinks and lives to really understand how addiction grips someone and does not let go easily.

In the tradition of my blog I will refer to some of the comments from Nik's book:

• I felt like everyone else had gotten this instruction manual that explained life to them, but somehow I'd missed it. pg 17


• I always thought once I was an adult, independent, whatever, these feelings of hopelessness and despair would go away. I could be like those characters in the movies. Drugs and alcohol gave me that feeling. pg 63


• It is like someone came in and with a vacuum cleaner and sucked out my brain - removing any trace of joy and excitement, leaving me with nothing but his overpowering hopelessness. pg 132


• Staying sober right after coming back from a relapse is no struggle... I always seem to forget why I needed to get sober in the first place... And, each time, I get a little closer to being dead. Things fall apart more quickly. I hurt more and more people. pg 142


• But there's also this part of me that is so dissatisfied with everything. pg 150


• I also have incredible anxiety socializing with people. I mean, if I'm at work, or I'm high, then that's okay. But sober, going out with people my age, I am just really uncomfortable. pg 161


• As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and comlete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are - what others say is irrelevant. pg 195-196


• I guess I'm just selfish. My needs always come first - that need I have to escape or something. pg 202


• Suddenly I can't wait to leave - get back on my own - not have to deal with this cutesy, overprotected, sugarcoated world of my dad's family. They're keeping their children so naive, so unable to cope with hardships of the REAL world. pg 203

Don't drink & drive

It is such a simple logical statement yet seems impossible for most teenagers to follow. To be totally fair it appears difficult for some adults to adhere to as well. This week I took my oldest son to court for his third alcohol related driving offense. I have to hope that it is finally sinking in that there are consequences of breaking this important law. This is the third trip to the court that is three hours away for us on this same matter. I thought the third time would be the end of it, but turns out that we have to return yet one more time with proof of his attendance in a local alcohol driving school. Not that they teach to you how to drive and drink but what happens when you do! Apparently you can take this class several times and it does not help as my son can attest. I think the hardest think to convey to teenagers is that their actions have consequences. What they do affects others. What they do can hurt themselves for a long time to come. When a teenager can hardly think about next week let along next year this is a problem. On the other hand, it sure is nice to be around them when their energy and enthusiasm it is used for good. Which brings me back to the current discussion. I am so thankful that I have yet to live through a tragedy related to my kids, so the offenses although bad indeed, have yet to cause physical injury to themselves or others. For this I am truly thankful. Weekly I see in the local newspaper teenagers who drive when drunk and kill someone. This is a tragedy that doesn't have to happen and yet does. So sad. For now my son has to live a whole year without a driver's license, so maybe it will sink in for him even though he is well beyond being a teenager. Better late than never.

MRI

I guess all of my exercise over the last four centuries has finally caught up with me. Last week I saw an orthopedic surgeon for my intense knee pain. I waited for around two hours to see the doctor and at first I thought I was being punished for being fifteen minutes late to my appointment, but alas all patients were being treating equally bad. Maybe I am spoiled with on-site health care at the place I currently work. Once the doctor came in to see me it was not a nice experience. He pushed on my knee quite forcefully, I guess to make sure where the pain was located, but I could have told him where if he had asked. Then he pushed on the front of my knee cap and that hurt just as much, but it never bothers me at all. He said that was common with runners to live with tendonitis and not know it. He also asked if I used to play basketball as he could feel a bone spur on my left knee cap as he pushed on it. I wanted to tell him to stop pushing on my knees, but at $139/hr I wanted to get my money's worth somehow. Actually I only had to pay $20 co-pay as the insurance will pay the rest.

This week I visited the Wake Radiology facility for an MRI to find out what kind of cartilage or tendon damage I had inflicted on myself. I had previously had an MRI when we lived in San Antonio as a first cousin of mine had a serious brain aneurysm and all immediate relatives were advised to have brain scans. It was kind of freaky as my whole body was inserted into a narrow tube. The initial paperwork said if you weighed over 300 pounds or were claustrophopic or had metal parts in your body an MRI was not in your future. I got the same notice this week! For the brain MRI there was a small 2"x2" window you could look out of directly up above your eyes, as if that was to help in any way. I just closed my eyes and thought happy thoughts to get through the 30 minute MRI. The end result was no brain aneurysm existed in my head, which is a good thing. I never saw the actual MRI scans or films. I did see the bill for the 30 minutes of extremely loud noise as it was $5000 of which I had to pay nothing as insurance covered the cost. This week I just had to stick my knee into the small tube and the same super loud magnetic rumble carried on for around thirty minutes. In the end I was handed the original MRI film scans and I have yet to see the bill.

The MRI output in my case was 6 x-ray films about 14"x20" in size, with each one containing around 20 snapshots of my right knee at different angles. I tried scanning them using our computer at home. After playing around with a couple of the scanned images using the GIMP image editor, I was only able to get one of them to have any visible contents. That is the one I posted with this blog entry even though it makes my knee look like a dinosaur bone! I will find out next week from my original orthopedic surgeon the prognosis. At least the MRI films look neat.

family art show

I have decided that today is art show day, so I have loaded 3 of the paintings laying around the house.

Sarah's painting:

Nathan's painting:

Andrew's painting:

art of being an artist

I must say that some of our kid's character traits can definitely be traced to their parents. Some good and some bad. One such gene that has been passed down by us is the gift of drawing. I remember winning my first city wide art contest when I was not yet a teenager. I always liked to draw things around me, but the painting that won me the first place prize was an abstract painting of what I thought racing cars was all about. I may even find a photo of that painting one day and post it. My mother picked up painting when she was 70 and is wonderful. She lives in Tucson, Arizona and likes to paint desert scenes. I need to take a photo and post one of them as well. Then my wife picked up painting when the kids were small. She just pulled out one of her first boat paintings from the back of a closet a couple of days ago. one of her boat paintings is hanging up in her parent's house in their living room. Sounds like I need to have an art show in my blog one day! Our oldest son is a artist as well but he has to be in the right mood in order to create, but when he does it is special. Which brings me to the reason for this post as our middle son has recently been doodling as he sits at the computer. I think he would have thrown them away if we had not captured his drawings and put them on the refrigerator door. I have scanned them in for your viewing pleasure, from the family of artists.

being flexible

At work this week, I moved to a new group where the development environment is Adobe Flex. It is a breath of fresh air for me. Today it all became fun when I had a bug in my code and could acutally set a breakpoint and debug the code. For the past several years this simple process was torture. Found a bug in JavaScript? Good luck on finding where it is. Bug in JSP code, have fun finding it. Will an interactive debugger help? I am sorry it should be easy but it is not. Even using IE developer toolbar or Firefox Firebug it just seems like too much work to find a little bug. The best thing about Flex is the UI components, but it is the small things in life that make being a developer enjoyable in the daily trenches.

For the last couple of weeks at home on my Mac, I have been learning Flex by completely rewriting my Attentive 2 Design personal web site in Flex. I covered some of the things that I had always wanted to do in DHTML but never was able to get them working in all browsers. A custom dialog with clickable content, drop shadows, show/hiding content on mouse events. I used Flex Builder 3which was a great Adobe decision by making it work within Eclipse, since that is the development IDE of choice for Java for many years. I am looking forward to having fun again after many years.