Beautiful Boy vs. Tweak

Last month I reviewed Beautiful Boy by David Sheff and this week I finished his son's book Tweak: Growing up on Methamphetamines by Nic Sheff. I must say that drug or alcohol addiction when in the family is not fun. I only read these books because we have lived it, maybe not to the extreme mentioned in these books, but that does not make it in any way less painful. For me, they are both hard to deal with as they transform a person from who they really are to someone else, who I don't want to see or get to know. I think it is interesting to read how the father became addicted to his son's addiction to the cost of neglecting his wife and other children. I have been there and no that feeling. I also like this pair of books as it also shows the son's side where he talks a little about his family, but he is so self consumed that while on drugs that totally consumes him as he must get high again and again. For me, it is very difficult to know what is true or not in such a book as how can someone know what happened when they are stoned out of their mind and without normal senses? Reading this book just gives you an idea of how someone who is an addict thinks and lives to really understand how addiction grips someone and does not let go easily.

In the tradition of my blog I will refer to some of the comments from Nik's book:

• I felt like everyone else had gotten this instruction manual that explained life to them, but somehow I'd missed it. pg 17


• I always thought once I was an adult, independent, whatever, these feelings of hopelessness and despair would go away. I could be like those characters in the movies. Drugs and alcohol gave me that feeling. pg 63


• It is like someone came in and with a vacuum cleaner and sucked out my brain - removing any trace of joy and excitement, leaving me with nothing but his overpowering hopelessness. pg 132


• Staying sober right after coming back from a relapse is no struggle... I always seem to forget why I needed to get sober in the first place... And, each time, I get a little closer to being dead. Things fall apart more quickly. I hurt more and more people. pg 142


• But there's also this part of me that is so dissatisfied with everything. pg 150


• I also have incredible anxiety socializing with people. I mean, if I'm at work, or I'm high, then that's okay. But sober, going out with people my age, I am just really uncomfortable. pg 161


• As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and comlete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are - what others say is irrelevant. pg 195-196


• I guess I'm just selfish. My needs always come first - that need I have to escape or something. pg 202


• Suddenly I can't wait to leave - get back on my own - not have to deal with this cutesy, overprotected, sugarcoated world of my dad's family. They're keeping their children so naive, so unable to cope with hardships of the REAL world. pg 203

perfection vs. addiction

Is it possible to be perfect? How about close enough so you don't cause grief? How good is good enough? Does it matter if we cannot be perfect on this earth? Such big questions don't normally come up very often. For some odd reason I have been thinking about it lately.

At the same time I have been reading another book on drug addiction beautiful boy: a father's journey through his son's addiction by David Sheff. I must say that this book helps more than A Million Little Pieces by James Frey or The Heroin Diares by Nikki Sixx. Having lived a couple of years through our son abusing himself and drugs and the hell it caused, I must say as in everything there is always someone who has it worse than we do. Yesterday I asked my son if he ever did crystal methadone and he said no he did not but every one he knew in San Antonio did. Now that is just another reason we are happy that we left that stage of our lives behind and returned to NC. Maybe a couple of quotes from this book:

• We pretend that everything is all right. But we live with a time bomb. It is debilitating to be dependent on another's moods and decisions and actions. pg 228


• A using addict cannot trust his own brain - it lies, says 'You can have one drink, a joint, a single line, just one.' pg 261


• An alcoholic will steal your wallet and lie about it. A drug addict will steal your wallet and then help you find it. Part of me is convinced that he actually believes that he will find it for you. pg 265


• If they don't die or do too much damage, there's a chance, always a chance. pg 272


• I said, I'm a drug addict and alcoholic. He shook his head. No, he said, that's how you've been treating your problem. What is your problem? Why are you here? pg 295


• Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. pg 302


• I want to open up and hear Nic and believe him, but I am unwilling to tear down the fragile dam that I have constructed to protect myself. I am afraid I'll be drowned. pg 303

There has to be a middle ground somewhere. Either way the mental institution is just a heart beat away if he try to attain perfection in ourselves or our kids.