This year I attended a Walk/Run for Sarcoma at Duke. I went with my friend David Ostiguy. In the same event last year, David was the special speaker and this is what he said as he gave me his speech afterwards:
Six years ago, I was diagnosed with alveolar rhabdomyosarcoma in my right hand. My wife and I were 26 years old and we had only been married for 11 months. We were cancer virgins. From the instant we were told I had cancer, I remember feeling absolutely numb. It was not until my first chemotherapy treatment that I started to feel again. While walking the halls of Duke University Hospital during that treatment, I remember feeling pretty good and thinking to myself maybe 10 months of chemo would not be so bad and we would soon be able to put this cancer thing behind us in no time. Boy, was I wrong! Soon afterwards, I was back in my hospital room throwing up in front of my wife for the first time, and it would not be the last.
Fast forward six years to today, through appointments, scans, recurrences, second opinions, surgeries, amputations, chemo, radiation, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, infections, fevers, hair loss, transfusions, medications, joy, laughter, sadness, anger, frustration, tears, prayers, birthdays, anniversaries, births, deaths, and the love and support from family, friends, co-workers, doctors and nurses, I would do it all over again if given the choice.
I have learned that I have the strength, resolve, and patience to survive one of the more serious and adverse situations one can face in life. Secondly, I have learned compassion and that being able to help others through their own adversities is so worthwhile. Finally, I have learned that sarcoma and I share a common trait: we both know no limits.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
what is a friend
It has been a very long time since I wrote anything but I think it is time to start again. Yesterday I spoke at one of my best friend's memorial service, who died just one week ago. I wanted to include what I said:
This is going to be quite difficult for me to do but I need to do it as an honor to a true friend and for his wife Leilani. I must read this script to try to maintain my composure so I can finish it all. I would like to start and end with two Bible verses that sum up how I feel.
Proverbs 18:24
MSG - Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.
TNIV - One who had unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
I first met David ten years ago at work but did not know him personally. Almost four years ago our paths crossed again. I used to run at lunch for a work break and on my way thru the cafeteria I would see David and Bryan Hendricks eating - most times with other people from their team. Occasionally I would stop by to talk to Bryan and as time went along I started sitting down with them both to talk and watch them eat while I tried to cool down. Bryan used to be my boss at the same company where I met David so we all had a history together which was the original connection. Over many months of talking over lunch I got to know David better. At first I felt sorry for him but I soon realized he did not need my sympathy. I found out that he too was a runner and that was our second connection. Over time I came to understand that he could do more with one arm than some people do with both. At lunch we talked about football, music, biking, running and just about everything but work. After a year of talking over occasional lunches the three of us became good friends who could talk about anything together except we avoided talking about cancer related subjects. I will always remember the day he got back to work after his last amputation as he was the same David after the whole ordeal and we continued laughing and have a great time during our lunch conversations. He never wanted to draw attention to himself and his own problems.
Around three years ago I was contemplating switching groups to work on something completely different and more interesting. David and I came up with a brilliant idea to work together and tried to find a group that needed us both. We did the same kind of work and both needed a new challenge and we knew together we could do anything. After switching, the first year was great as we daily bounced ideas off each other as we learned together. Several times a day we went into each other's office to share in our new discoveries. We constantly sent messages to each other about new things we learned. Up to this point after being around David for two years, I learned that building a friendship takes time and a willingness to share anything and everything that is going on in each other’s lives. In many ways David was like another son to me but in most ways just a friend who I always looked forward to talking to. I especially liked Monday mornings as that was the time we caught up on what had happened during the weekend to each other. Some people dread Mondays but for me it was time to catch up on what David had done and tell him what had happened around our house. Somewhere along the line we crossed over and started talking about sarcoma as I wanted to learn more about it since I was clearly very ignorant on that subject. Many of the terms were impossible for me to say or remember no matter how many times David told me about it. That is when our close friendship began.
These are the things I remember about David:
The day he received his special prosthetic arm so he could ride his bike again
The day he got back from Atlanta where he met tons of people who had also lost limbs as he was so excited to see so many people like him
The day he decided to take a cross country driving trip with a friend he met at Duke
The day I learned his brother was in the military like my son
The day he bought an iPhone
The day at lunch when he explained to me how icing in hockey works using the Hurricanes as an illustration
The day he got back after seeing Rush with his life long NY friends
The day he told me that my kids should listen to Rush as they did not do drugs and were not alcoholics like most bands did
The day he decided to quit wearing his prosthetic arm to work as it was very freeing for him
The day he got back and told me about his speech at his first Duke Sarcoma event
The many times he told me of the amazingly great people he had met because of sarcoma most of which were those who took loving care of him at Duke
The day when we talked about our separate trips to Stone Mountain and how we both thought it was such a great place
The day he told me that I needed to take my family to Letchworth State Park in NY as he had great memories of camping there as a kid
The day just one year ago when he told me he had to quit running because of his back
The day shortly after that when he had trouble leaving the cafeteria and I drove him in the TTA van
That same day when I got to drive his car as one of the privileged few but unfortunately I was driving him to Duke
That same day at Duke when in unbelievable pain telling me not to mind if he said something bad
The day when we walked together at my first Duke Sarcoma event
The day he got back from attending Bonnaroo and was so tired but told me every detail about the fun he had with his friends
The day we looked up the drug Fentanyl and read about it together
The day when we talked about the stages of jaundice together
The same day when I told him he looked yellow and he got upset at me
The day I talked to him after he and Leilani returned from Grove Park Inn as he loved the mountains
The day he told me he was ready to go to heaven as he was tired
Every minute of the last two visits when Bryan and I saw him at home
In the time I was around David I only heard him complain a couple of times, which is really unbelievable considering everything he and Leilani endured together. What started out as small talk in passing, developed into a relationship of sharing in life's ups and downs. I would do it all over again even knowing the ending. One of the last things I remember David telling me was that some people had told him that he was an inspiration to them and that he hoped that was somehow true. One of the most unusual experiences of my life was to see David at work for the last three weeks before he left. He came every day as to not let down the team and to try to finish what he was working on. He repeatedly apologized to me as I had to take over what he was working on and finish it. That was just a short four weeks ago. Today is sad for me as I realize I have lost a friend who I will not see again on this earth but I long for the day when I will see him completely well in heaven. I want to end with the words of Jesus, which in no way apply fully to me, but sums up what love is really about.
John 15:12-14
This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you.
The is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends.
You are my friends when you do the things I command you.
This is going to be quite difficult for me to do but I need to do it as an honor to a true friend and for his wife Leilani. I must read this script to try to maintain my composure so I can finish it all. I would like to start and end with two Bible verses that sum up how I feel.
Proverbs 18:24
MSG - Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.
TNIV - One who had unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
I first met David ten years ago at work but did not know him personally. Almost four years ago our paths crossed again. I used to run at lunch for a work break and on my way thru the cafeteria I would see David and Bryan Hendricks eating - most times with other people from their team. Occasionally I would stop by to talk to Bryan and as time went along I started sitting down with them both to talk and watch them eat while I tried to cool down. Bryan used to be my boss at the same company where I met David so we all had a history together which was the original connection. Over many months of talking over lunch I got to know David better. At first I felt sorry for him but I soon realized he did not need my sympathy. I found out that he too was a runner and that was our second connection. Over time I came to understand that he could do more with one arm than some people do with both. At lunch we talked about football, music, biking, running and just about everything but work. After a year of talking over occasional lunches the three of us became good friends who could talk about anything together except we avoided talking about cancer related subjects. I will always remember the day he got back to work after his last amputation as he was the same David after the whole ordeal and we continued laughing and have a great time during our lunch conversations. He never wanted to draw attention to himself and his own problems.
Around three years ago I was contemplating switching groups to work on something completely different and more interesting. David and I came up with a brilliant idea to work together and tried to find a group that needed us both. We did the same kind of work and both needed a new challenge and we knew together we could do anything. After switching, the first year was great as we daily bounced ideas off each other as we learned together. Several times a day we went into each other's office to share in our new discoveries. We constantly sent messages to each other about new things we learned. Up to this point after being around David for two years, I learned that building a friendship takes time and a willingness to share anything and everything that is going on in each other’s lives. In many ways David was like another son to me but in most ways just a friend who I always looked forward to talking to. I especially liked Monday mornings as that was the time we caught up on what had happened during the weekend to each other. Some people dread Mondays but for me it was time to catch up on what David had done and tell him what had happened around our house. Somewhere along the line we crossed over and started talking about sarcoma as I wanted to learn more about it since I was clearly very ignorant on that subject. Many of the terms were impossible for me to say or remember no matter how many times David told me about it. That is when our close friendship began.
These are the things I remember about David:
The day he received his special prosthetic arm so he could ride his bike again
The day he got back from Atlanta where he met tons of people who had also lost limbs as he was so excited to see so many people like him
The day he decided to take a cross country driving trip with a friend he met at Duke
The day I learned his brother was in the military like my son
The day he bought an iPhone
The day at lunch when he explained to me how icing in hockey works using the Hurricanes as an illustration
The day he got back after seeing Rush with his life long NY friends
The day he told me that my kids should listen to Rush as they did not do drugs and were not alcoholics like most bands did
The day he decided to quit wearing his prosthetic arm to work as it was very freeing for him
The day he got back and told me about his speech at his first Duke Sarcoma event
The many times he told me of the amazingly great people he had met because of sarcoma most of which were those who took loving care of him at Duke
The day when we talked about our separate trips to Stone Mountain and how we both thought it was such a great place
The day he told me that I needed to take my family to Letchworth State Park in NY as he had great memories of camping there as a kid
The day just one year ago when he told me he had to quit running because of his back
The day shortly after that when he had trouble leaving the cafeteria and I drove him in the TTA van
That same day when I got to drive his car as one of the privileged few but unfortunately I was driving him to Duke
That same day at Duke when in unbelievable pain telling me not to mind if he said something bad
The day when we walked together at my first Duke Sarcoma event
The day he got back from attending Bonnaroo and was so tired but told me every detail about the fun he had with his friends
The day we looked up the drug Fentanyl and read about it together
The day when we talked about the stages of jaundice together
The same day when I told him he looked yellow and he got upset at me
The day I talked to him after he and Leilani returned from Grove Park Inn as he loved the mountains
The day he told me he was ready to go to heaven as he was tired
Every minute of the last two visits when Bryan and I saw him at home
In the time I was around David I only heard him complain a couple of times, which is really unbelievable considering everything he and Leilani endured together. What started out as small talk in passing, developed into a relationship of sharing in life's ups and downs. I would do it all over again even knowing the ending. One of the last things I remember David telling me was that some people had told him that he was an inspiration to them and that he hoped that was somehow true. One of the most unusual experiences of my life was to see David at work for the last three weeks before he left. He came every day as to not let down the team and to try to finish what he was working on. He repeatedly apologized to me as I had to take over what he was working on and finish it. That was just a short four weeks ago. Today is sad for me as I realize I have lost a friend who I will not see again on this earth but I long for the day when I will see him completely well in heaven. I want to end with the words of Jesus, which in no way apply fully to me, but sums up what love is really about.
John 15:12-14
This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you.
The is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends.
You are my friends when you do the things I command you.
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