what is a friend

It has been a very long time since I wrote anything but I think it is time to start again. Yesterday I spoke at one of my best friend's memorial service, who died just one week ago. I wanted to include what I said:



This is going to be quite difficult for me to do but I need to do it as an honor to a true friend and for his wife Leilani. I must read this script to try to maintain my composure so I can finish it all. I would like to start and end with two Bible verses that sum up how I feel.

Proverbs 18:24
MSG - Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.
TNIV - One who had unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

I first met David ten years ago at work but did not know him personally. Almost four years ago our paths crossed again. I used to run at lunch for a work break and on my way thru the cafeteria I would see David and Bryan Hendricks eating - most times with other people from their team. Occasionally I would stop by to talk to Bryan and as time went along I started sitting down with them both to talk and watch them eat while I tried to cool down. Bryan used to be my boss at the same company where I met David so we all had a history together which was the original connection. Over many months of talking over lunch I got to know David better. At first I felt sorry for him but I soon realized he did not need my sympathy. I found out that he too was a runner and that was our second connection. Over time I came to understand that he could do more with one arm than some people do with both. At lunch we talked about football, music, biking, running and just about everything but work. After a year of talking over occasional lunches the three of us became good friends who could talk about anything together except we avoided talking about cancer related subjects. I will always remember the day he got back to work after his last amputation as he was the same David after the whole ordeal and we continued laughing and have a great time during our lunch conversations. He never wanted to draw attention to himself and his own problems.

Around three years ago I was contemplating switching groups to work on something completely different and more interesting. David and I came up with a brilliant idea to work together and tried to find a group that needed us both. We did the same kind of work and both needed a new challenge and we knew together we could do anything. After switching, the first year was great as we daily bounced ideas off each other as we learned together. Several times a day we went into each other's office to share in our new discoveries. We constantly sent messages to each other about new things we learned. Up to this point after being around David for two years, I learned that building a friendship takes time and a willingness to share anything and everything that is going on in each other’s lives. In many ways David was like another son to me but in most ways just a friend who I always looked forward to talking to. I especially liked Monday mornings as that was the time we caught up on what had happened during the weekend to each other. Some people dread Mondays but for me it was time to catch up on what David had done and tell him what had happened around our house. Somewhere along the line we crossed over and started talking about sarcoma as I wanted to learn more about it since I was clearly very ignorant on that subject. Many of the terms were impossible for me to say or remember no matter how many times David told me about it. That is when our close friendship began.

These are the things I remember about David:

The day he received his special prosthetic arm so he could ride his bike again
The day he got back from Atlanta where he met tons of people who had also lost limbs as he was so excited to see so many people like him
The day he decided to take a cross country driving trip with a friend he met at Duke
The day I learned his brother was in the military like my son
The day he bought an iPhone
The day at lunch when he explained to me how icing in hockey works using the Hurricanes as an illustration
The day he got back after seeing Rush with his life long NY friends
The day he told me that my kids should listen to Rush as they did not do drugs and were not alcoholics like most bands did
The day he decided to quit wearing his prosthetic arm to work as it was very freeing for him
The day he got back and told me about his speech at his first Duke Sarcoma event
The many times he told me of the amazingly great people he had met because of sarcoma most of which were those who took loving care of him at Duke
The day when we talked about our separate trips to Stone Mountain and how we both thought it was such a great place
The day he told me that I needed to take my family to Letchworth State Park in NY as he had great memories of camping there as a kid
The day just one year ago when he told me he had to quit running because of his back
The day shortly after that when he had trouble leaving the cafeteria and I drove him in the TTA van
That same day when I got to drive his car as one of the privileged few but unfortunately I was driving him to Duke
That same day at Duke when in unbelievable pain telling me not to mind if he said something bad
The day when we walked together at my first Duke Sarcoma event
The day he got back from attending Bonnaroo and was so tired but told me every detail about the fun he had with his friends
The day we looked up the drug Fentanyl and read about it together
The day when we talked about the stages of jaundice together
The same day when I told him he looked yellow and he got upset at me
The day I talked to him after he and Leilani returned from Grove Park Inn as he loved the mountains
The day he told me he was ready to go to heaven as he was tired
Every minute of the last two visits when Bryan and I saw him at home

In the time I was around David I only heard him complain a couple of times, which is really unbelievable considering everything he and Leilani endured together. What started out as small talk in passing, developed into a relationship of sharing in life's ups and downs. I would do it all over again even knowing the ending. One of the last things I remember David telling me was that some people had told him that he was an inspiration to them and that he hoped that was somehow true. One of the most unusual experiences of my life was to see David at work for the last three weeks before he left. He came every day as to not let down the team and to try to finish what he was working on. He repeatedly apologized to me as I had to take over what he was working on and finish it. That was just a short four weeks ago. Today is sad for me as I realize I have lost a friend who I will not see again on this earth but I long for the day when I will see him completely well in heaven. I want to end with the words of Jesus, which in no way apply fully to me, but sums up what love is really about.

John 15:12-14
This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you.
The is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends.
You are my friends when you do the things I command you.

wish list

Some people called it a to-do list, others a wish list, still others a bucket list and then of course there is a honey-do list. So many different lists we can keep. I like to keep lists so I can sleep at night and not worry the next day on what I have forgotten to do at home or at work. I often write down on a post-it note at the office every thing I have left to do and did not finish, before leaving to go home. I am not talking about that kind of list. The honey-do list does not get used much around our home as I know when my honey wife tells me something needs to be done, then I need to do it instead of waiting until later or another day. I am talking about a list of things you wish you could do in your life time. It may be lack of money or time that prevents you from checking things off that list. Maybe you don't even have such a list. I was reminded of this as we watched the movie The Bucket List last night. It is right up there with Secondhand Lions as our favorites. I feel extremely fortunate as I used to keep a mental list of stuff I wanted to do in my life time. I have done them all. Now there are some I would like to repeat, like living in India and visiting the Himalayas. Some of the big things I wanted to do and have done are: visit the Grand Canyon, see beautiful mosques in Turkey, look around Europe, go to the Himalayas, see the Taj Mahal and work in the Middle East. There are related things I would still like to do, like raft down the Colorado river in the Grand Canyon, go on a long trek in the Himalayas and really go all out and see Mt. Everest from Base Camp. If I died today, then I would have no regrets as I have seen many things that I never thought were possible as I was growing up.

Life for me was very simple growing up in the foot hills of the Allegheny Mountains in Virginia. My world was the valley in which I lived and I never thought of life beyond Virginia. Our adopted grandparents next door were born, raised and never left the valley. It was just how life was lived. We had a small farm with cows, chickens, sometimes sheep, a horse, a pony and a couple of dogs. I heard one time that a neighbor's son lived in Saudi Arabia, but that seemed so dream like to me as I could not imagine what that meant. I spent hours in the garden, mowing yards for neighbors and playing basketball. That was my life. I would get lonely and hope that someone would stop by and play basketball with me in our drive way, but often it was just me shooting alone. I never ever thought of any other life. Not until I got to high school that is. Then I just wanted to get out of the valley and go somewhere else, anywhere else. My adopted grandfather who I called Bob-boo, had been to France in World War II and had only talked to me about it once and cried the whole time he spoke of it. That was really my only exposure to life outside of Virginia. Sure we took many trips to see Civil War battlefields throughout the south, but I never thought of living anywhere else. Bob-boo also graduated in one of the first classes at Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University in 1903, which is now called VaTech. That was where I wanted to go, but Bob-boo died before I attended the first year out of high school. His wife felt the need to pay for most of my schooling since it meant so much to him that I go there. That was the beginning of the adventure for me as once I left the valley I have been a pilgrim all over the world since then. Not bad for a rural small time farm kid from a town of 500 people. I could never have imagined it would turn out this way.

death & taxes

The last couple of weeks have made this topic come to life for me.

We paid the highest amount of taxes this year that we have ever paid. I have never thought about avoiding taxes. It is just something I do every year. I try not to think about how they are used improperly by the government as that would only drive me crazy. I try to think how much I like the roads here and how wonderful are the public universities. I also like my freedom as that is priceless.

Having met my wife at VaTech and her grandfather was Dean of Argiculture for 30 years there, we have a lot of family history involved in VaTech. The senseless deaths of 33 people was truely a sad day for me. I have always thought about my time in Blacksburg as perfect and such a wonderful place to attend college. One crazy person has messed up my perfect view of that small town with an even bigger student population than permanent residents. One fellow worker told me his son pulled an all nighter and accidently slept in and missed his class. He was supposed to be in room 204 in Norris where 4 students were killed. What a perfect day to skip class and obviously GOD protected him. It just reminded me that mental health is so neglected in America and if you don't deal with the real issues, there will be consequences.

Today I learned that a good friend of mine died yesterday. It really made me sad as he suffered for the last year. Now he is gone, his young children and wife have to suffer, which makes me even more sad. Life can be hard sometimes. There are no simple answers to such suffering. Jim Cortese was a true friend in that he was willing to share his sadness and happiness with me. For two years we worked closely together and he is the best designer I have ever known. He transformed the product we worked on together into the most usable product at the company. What shocked me the most is that he was younger than I was. That is what really hit home for me. Younger and with surviving small children. Sometimes life just does not seem fair. Makes me want to enjoy every day with my kids!