teenager notice

TEENAGERS!
Are you tired of being harassed by your parents?
ACT NOW!

Move out,
get a paid job,
& pay your own way
while you still know everything!

Teens, Tennis and Texas Hold 'em

Today marks the one week anniversary of no bad news in the family, which is quite remarkable for us. I don't remember when a whole week went by without one of the kids failing to think before they did something stupid. Sad but true. This week was very different. Maybe it was the one month span since they got out of school for the summer. Maybe they are bored and need attention. It is just shocking that after so many years that they actually want to hang out with their parents. For example now in the evenings my middle son always wants to play cards with out fake poker chips. He has been watching TV where they show world class poker players. They typically play Texas Hold 'em, which is a new game for me, but very easy to learn. In just a week my son has learned how to maintain a poker face, whereas at the start you could obviously tell when he had a good hand as he got excited about it. The nice thing about playing cards is that you talk about life in general since it is not that mentally challenging. The other event I have already mentioned in previous postings, where my oldest and youngest son want to play tennis with me as soon as I get home.

I remember when I was a young teenager and found tennis the greatest thing ever. We would play every day after school for a couple of hours. We rotated which courts we played on just to keep life exciting but normally which ever one we could find that was free. I took tennis quite seriously until I was a sophomore in high school and ended up breaking my right wrist right at the start of tennis season. I wish I could say it was from diving for a tennis ball on match point or some other brave event. However, it actually happened in our high school gym when it was raining outside and we were practicing tennis indoors in the gym. I was only 5'7" and a couple people told me there was no way I could even touch the basketball rim, so of course I had to show them. I took a tennis ball in my hand and ran from half court and dunked the tennis ball to everyone's amazement. The only problem was on my way down I got my hand caught in the basketball net and lost my balance and fell back on my arm. That ended my tennis career. I kind of fell out of sports in general and started a bad life on the wild side. It was not until I got married that I took up the sport again as my wife and I played a couple of hours every day until our oldest son was born. In between high school and my marriage, I grew 6" my freshman year in college so took up basketball which was originally my favorite sport. I lost interest in basketball in high school since I was took short for the team. Even though clearly I was never professional quality at any sport, I certainly enjoyed playing team sports regularly until I turned 40 and decided to retire while I was completely healthy.

The one thing I have done consistently since the seventh grade is run. I ran on the high school cross county team and was the youngest person to ever get a varsity letter at our school as I was a ninth grader. I loved to run on county dirt roads typically 8-10 miles a day. Back then it was important how quickly I ran each mile. I ran to keep in great condition for basketball and tennis. Now I am still running 30 years later as I enjoy it, but don't even care how long it takes me to run each mile. My only goal now is to be running when I turn 50 years old.

Beautiful Boy vs. Tweak

Last month I reviewed Beautiful Boy by David Sheff and this week I finished his son's book Tweak: Growing up on Methamphetamines by Nic Sheff. I must say that drug or alcohol addiction when in the family is not fun. I only read these books because we have lived it, maybe not to the extreme mentioned in these books, but that does not make it in any way less painful. For me, they are both hard to deal with as they transform a person from who they really are to someone else, who I don't want to see or get to know. I think it is interesting to read how the father became addicted to his son's addiction to the cost of neglecting his wife and other children. I have been there and no that feeling. I also like this pair of books as it also shows the son's side where he talks a little about his family, but he is so self consumed that while on drugs that totally consumes him as he must get high again and again. For me, it is very difficult to know what is true or not in such a book as how can someone know what happened when they are stoned out of their mind and without normal senses? Reading this book just gives you an idea of how someone who is an addict thinks and lives to really understand how addiction grips someone and does not let go easily.

In the tradition of my blog I will refer to some of the comments from Nik's book:

• I felt like everyone else had gotten this instruction manual that explained life to them, but somehow I'd missed it. pg 17


• I always thought once I was an adult, independent, whatever, these feelings of hopelessness and despair would go away. I could be like those characters in the movies. Drugs and alcohol gave me that feeling. pg 63


• It is like someone came in and with a vacuum cleaner and sucked out my brain - removing any trace of joy and excitement, leaving me with nothing but his overpowering hopelessness. pg 132


• Staying sober right after coming back from a relapse is no struggle... I always seem to forget why I needed to get sober in the first place... And, each time, I get a little closer to being dead. Things fall apart more quickly. I hurt more and more people. pg 142


• But there's also this part of me that is so dissatisfied with everything. pg 150


• I also have incredible anxiety socializing with people. I mean, if I'm at work, or I'm high, then that's okay. But sober, going out with people my age, I am just really uncomfortable. pg 161


• As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and comlete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are - what others say is irrelevant. pg 195-196


• I guess I'm just selfish. My needs always come first - that need I have to escape or something. pg 202


• Suddenly I can't wait to leave - get back on my own - not have to deal with this cutesy, overprotected, sugarcoated world of my dad's family. They're keeping their children so naive, so unable to cope with hardships of the REAL world. pg 203

Don't drink & drive

It is such a simple logical statement yet seems impossible for most teenagers to follow. To be totally fair it appears difficult for some adults to adhere to as well. This week I took my oldest son to court for his third alcohol related driving offense. I have to hope that it is finally sinking in that there are consequences of breaking this important law. This is the third trip to the court that is three hours away for us on this same matter. I thought the third time would be the end of it, but turns out that we have to return yet one more time with proof of his attendance in a local alcohol driving school. Not that they teach to you how to drive and drink but what happens when you do! Apparently you can take this class several times and it does not help as my son can attest. I think the hardest think to convey to teenagers is that their actions have consequences. What they do affects others. What they do can hurt themselves for a long time to come. When a teenager can hardly think about next week let along next year this is a problem. On the other hand, it sure is nice to be around them when their energy and enthusiasm it is used for good. Which brings me back to the current discussion. I am so thankful that I have yet to live through a tragedy related to my kids, so the offenses although bad indeed, have yet to cause physical injury to themselves or others. For this I am truly thankful. Weekly I see in the local newspaper teenagers who drive when drunk and kill someone. This is a tragedy that doesn't have to happen and yet does. So sad. For now my son has to live a whole year without a driver's license, so maybe it will sink in for him even though he is well beyond being a teenager. Better late than never.

why do we do it to ourselves?

Somehow lack of sleep changes a person. I am normally pretty nice, or so I think so, but let me get a terrible night sleep or be sick and I somehow morph into someone else. I guess that shows what I am really made of. Sad but true.

Last night my daughter invited five other girls over for a "sleep over" birthday party. Sounds pretty harmless since girls are not as prone to trouble like we have seen boys get into in the past. We have had boy "sleep over" parties in the past, one of which ended with police ringing the doorbell and upon answering the door I found several police cars in my driveway. That event ended the boy "sleep overs". Plus in our previous house in Fuquay Varina, the game room/boy "sleep over" room had an adjacent wall to our master bedroom. Was that ever a bad design for a house! We just could not block out their talking, which frequently carried on into the wee hours of the night. It has been several years since we have had a big "sleep over" party as I think we forgot how little sleep we got in the last ones.

Nothing bad happened at all - just girls coming into the house about every hour from 9pm until 7am this morning. You know, when I was a youngster I pulled an "all nighter" only a hand full of times. I felt so tired the next day that it was not pleasant for me. We took the girls to a movie at 4pm and while they were in the movie theater we went out to eat with our oldest son at Dickey's BBQ Pit, which really reminds us of the Texas style BBQ we love. When we picked them up at 6pm, they were really wound up, so to calm them down we took them to Starbucks Coffee. That was probably a bad idea, but hey you only turn 13 once and we wanted to make the evening special for the last such event in our family. After the ceremonial cake with 13 candles, the present opening and everyone adorned in pirate scarfs, they ran out to play a dance party game in the sound proof shed. The only time we heard them was when the sliding glass door was closed as little girls came in and out all night long. What ever happened to the good old come to my party with birthday presents, eat some cake and then leave?

One more thought for the day...

I remember when our daughter was born 13 years ago, but just barely. In those good old days I would often get to work around 4am and then then leave early to be with the family. One time I got bronchitis from a viral infection and not listening to my body's cry for rest that quickly became pneumonia. The doctor told me it was walking pneumonia, but I could barely walk and for most days hardly get out of bed. The timing was horrible as my wife was pregnant with our daughter. Then came the due date and I was wondering how I would make it to hospital. My wife drove me to the hospital! Now that was sad. The good news was that the birthing room had a very nice recliner in it. I went right to it and put my feet up and promptly fell asleep. The gynecologist woke me up and told me to stand up and come over to see my daughter being born. It turns out with pneumonia that only the first couple of weeks are cause for alarm on being contagious, so that was not my concern. I just did not have the energy to get out of the chair. Somehow I pulled myself up and out of the comfortable chair and made my wife and the doctor happy! Oh the good old days!

Do you want to be a teenager?

Like The Last of the Mohicans or Custard's Last Stand or The Last Samurai, there comes a time for the final big event. Today is just such a day in our family as the youngest child is becoming a teenager. Of course there will be another big day in the not so distance future when we no longer have any teenagers, but we have to wait seven more years for that event. I am trying to remember this same day for each of our children, when they crossed the teenager line, but it is difficult to do so. Not different in a sentimental way, but a huge event like this seems big at the time but then later on it seems insignificant in the grand scheme of things or the current worries of the day. I am sure it was a big deal for me when I turned 13; however, how it seems like the day never existed. What I do remember of being a teenager causes me to never want to be one again!

However, today we will live in the moment and enjoy the time with our daughter and her six young friends. That is why we will quickly shuffle them into the Acoustic Shed to let them go wild and be noisy while we get a good night's sleep. Oh the benefits of the multiple purpose sound proof shed are all becoming clear now.

babies vs. teenagers

I have decided that all newly married people should consider that their cute cuddly adorable babies may one day become hormonal teenagers. It was the furthest thought from our minds when our small children were amusing us with their feats of splendor.

For the last week, everyone in the family has been looking at photos we have saved through the years. It has brought many a laugh to us all. Maybe it is news of day, like our son quitting his job before he finds another or our son who has a bad habit of being loud and waking me up in the middle of the night or our youngest son who is one minute pleasantly happy and the next like an uncontrollable hornets nest. I think I like looking at baby pictures more than the current reality.

A good friend of mine told me once that we had no hope for calm obedient children as I have rebellious disturbing genes. I can recall those teenage years and glad I never have to relive them. I was definitely out of control and only a small group of faithful friends could stand me. I was only grief and trouble for my mother. My dad was not present as he left the house when I was 14. Just as well, as life was not any better when he was around. I only heard recently that dad got fired from every job he had and typically that was yearly. I always knew that following Jesus would be the cure for my nasty life, but I never even thought about the consequences of my genes! I think mixing my bad ones with my wife's at least diluted them as none of my kids are as bad as I once was - thank goodness.

music and teenagers

My teenagers often asked me if I like the music they are currently listening to on their iPods. The question comes up most of the time because they are into retro music that was popular 20-30 years ago. I am beginning to understand the truth behind the Indian school of thought that life is circular. Long hair was popular when I was a teenager and is now popular. Bell bottom jeans are starting to become the "in" thing again. Rock bands of the 70's and 80's are touring again and making tons of money doing it. We seem to be making the same mistakes over and over again!

To end 2007 I picked up a book we gave our teenage son who has rock star aspirations. It is such a shocking book of unbridled hedonism and self-pleasure which was the norm for rock-n-rollers of the 80's. My teenagers don't understand why I did not like Motley Crue, Black Sabbath or Blue Oyster Cult when I was their age. For me as a teenager these bands were just too weird as they were forcefully against anything Christian and went the other extreme to openly talk about satan. Not that I was in anyway following Christ or his teachings, it was just too odd for me. Then my teenagers ask about AC/DC, Led Zepplin, Guns-N-Roses, Metallica and such bands who the local red-necks around me enjoyed so clearly I could not listen to them. I went to the logical extreme and listened to bands no one in the whole area I lived in had even heard of, who were at the real edge of the culture. After reading this book, I see what sex, drugs and rock-n-roll can do to a person. Please do not read this book as it will send your system into a state of shock. Here are some quotes from this book:

• Why take a shower if you're only going to get dirty again?
  
• Why make your bed if you're only going to sleep in it again?
  
• I've never been to Eden but it's nice I hear tell, When I die I'll go to heaven 'cause I've done my time in hell
  
• Days like these I hate to leave my house. I can muster up a fake smile and be cordial, but deep inside I feel nobody really likes me... and worse...nobody understands me.
  
• I love playing our music but I can't take the monotony of playing the same set every night.
  
• Stood in front of the mirror today and all I could see was death.
  
• I dreamt my whole life of making music and I have every reason to be happy yet I can't be.
  
• In the mornings when I wake I can smell death on me. It's right around the corner and unless I get out I'm not gonna make it.
  
• Why did my mom always want to be with someone other than me?
  
• My life is loud. Everywhere I go, people are talking to me, but nothing is as loud as the screams in my head. They are far off, distant, and I can't make out the words...I have come to realize it's most likely the drugs.
  
• You gotta give it away to keep what you get.
  
• What I've learned in this life so far is to let the little things go as much as possible and try to swerve to miss the big things.
  

The most amazing news for me is that Motley Crue's Nikki Sixx's girlfriend Vanity has since becoming a follower of Christ. It is such a huge transformation to go from immersed in drug addiction for so many years to what I see on her web site today. As opposed to the shocking web site Nikki Sixx still has but at least he claims to have left drugs and alcohol addictions behind. Sometimes I wonder whether people really believe in what they are doing, or they do it for affect to shock people and to make money. I can only make sure how I live.